Primitive Christianity Revived, Again
Things that are bothering me, let me put them. I feel bad being so self absorbed, but I need to look into myself. Maybe I am relying too much on myself and not God. But, I can only give my problems to God by reciting them to myself and to God.
I am alone and I have felt that it is unacceptable to say it. I should rather make close friends and just "suck it up" and not be lonely, right? But it doesn't help that I have a lisp and have Aspergers symptoms (I spoke to a therapist before but she believes my symptoms are a result of past abuse and my lack of opportunity to develop normal social skills rather than inherent Aspergers that I can get an organization's support with, but I am already broken, so does it really matter if my symptoms are externally influenced or inherent?)
I am writing here because I know this is that one place where I am not anonymous yet not very known either. I am tired of resorting to anonymity to disconnect my confessions from my public image.
Often the loneliness is so great that it seems that even God does not exist in my life. I should hold onto God, right? My faith is weak.
Bad social life
I've been keeping my mouth shut and depended on getting better art-wise in order to compensate for my lack of social skills and other repulsive qualities. Throughout history, when a minority was oppressed, they had the choice of surviving by outcompeting others and being an essential, needed part of society. Or they got crushed and died. I don't want to die or let anyone crush me. I am so glad I can at least draw the "woah" out of the older artists at our school.
I am having a bad social life nonetheless. I really do believe it is because of my eccentricity and plain looks. One would think that in art school, the general populace would be more accepting as crazies attract crazies, right? I guess not. They are human and have their bias too. I have friends, but none that I can really get close to nor really open up to. I have no friends from highschool, and no family members or relatives. I only have God, but even then I am stranded.
Lonely both online and offline
Sometimes, I am so lonely that I just want to get a response from someone. Just a small comment makes me happy too. In real life, and online. I was never like this, but recently, I've been becoming desperate for attention. I am just so hoping that someone will say something, comment on my work, nothing too personal or intimate. To just talk to me.
Disassociation from my body, wanting to exist and have my existence acknowledged
I am disassociated from my body. It's there, but not me. I am there, but not really.
Confused about my sexual feelings
Then, it dawned on me during winter break and I shattered a bit more. I really am the ugliest in class (I do get called names but that's another story..)
I am the only one with braces, have the worst acne in class, and most of the students here don't have acne (maybe they cover it up or use accutane, but I can't use those). I am also the shortest, and height, even though it shouldn't, really does change how people view me. It really does sting when people refer me as, "You mean that short kid?" to "I was talking about the short one with dark hair."
I've seen other students who are my height outside of class who seem normal and have fun, so height isn't be all and end all but these students have other redeeming qualities, like attractiveness, social skills, and talent.
Why was I created this way? What does God want of me? What is God's plan for me? I heard that God tests us and puts us under hot fire to polish us, but then, I don't know if I am being polished.
I need to develop redeeming qualities. I have to be amazing at drawing (in other words, outcompete), and I am getting so much better, but not at the pace I want. I realized that people have better impression of me and are much more open to seeing the good side of me when they see my drawings. Perhaps I just think they do, maybe it just makes me more confident. I don't think I am super good, but it probably does make me appear more as a person to them. Am I selfish?
While I work towards being more competent in my trade, I want to work on my looks. I changed my diet and saw that I am not getting any more zits, but I am afraid I am not eating enough, and the facial scars are still there. Height isn't something I had much control over, even though my family and relatives used to call me names and pick on me about how short I was. But after seeing that my fatigue and most of my physical ailments vanished after my new diet, maybe I might grow taller now.
I also want to grow my hair. I know I can change and look better.
I may have PTSD and OCD. I am afraid it shows. An advisor at our school told me that I was readable as a book. It's hard for me to hide my happiness, discomfort, tiredness, or any cues from others.
I wanted to shut up and just deal with the cards I was given, but damn. I am overwhelmed. It just hurts so much.