I broke a little inside when I saw one of my professor's sketchbooks and saw that he let his daughter draw in it.

I don't know what to do. Actually, I do know what to do, I am just uncomfortable in the transitional moment of breaking free from the Stockholm's syndrome. I am not happy, but I am comfortable.  Soon, I want to be a uncomfortable, but then happy and comfortable once I heal.

I wonder, what does God have in store for me? Does God protect the sparrows?

My parents basically taught me nothing besides a lot of unwanted, almost explicit details about what sex should be.

They never taught me about getting a job or being fiscally responsible. I never was made to do chores around the house, even though I did it on my own terms. They never gave me curfew or taught me the importance of waking up early. They got angry whenever I expressed independence, such as trying to find a job or trying to do regular household chores by myself. They never taught me how important it was to respect them and refer to them politely. They rarely disciplined me, but they abused me and my siblings a lot because they were angry at something that wasn't us. They never taught us any moral values.
My father was hardly in my life, and did not know my age, even though he sent us money (which I am thankful for).
My mother was not concerned about her children's futures and rather just wanted us for herself. She never taught us how to do something by ourselves. Never taught us how to do the laundry. Never taught us how to apply or get jobs. Never taught us about taxes and bills. Never taught us how to cook. She never prepared me for college. I did it by myself, packed up secretly, and literally escaped.

I am spoiled and ruined. I cannot change my background or my history. But am I trapped in it forever? Am I one of the kind of people that the holy light is meant to reach?

So I tried to teach myself and prepare myself.

I packed up everything I needed for college, including my legal documents.

I made my own bank account and acquired my own credit card right after I hit 18.

I taught myself basic cooking skills, trying new recipes and burning things once in a while.

I cut my first meats by myself, trial and error.

At the moment I am learning about paying bills and doing taxes. I am also trying to make a diet regimen right for me (as I have a lot of allergies).

They were generally good people though, especially my father. Or were they? I do not know.
They are clawing at me now and are thinking of admitting me to a mental hospital.
Is God there?

I never called them these as I was never taught to be polite to them. But I am not part of their family anymore. But I want to pay a little bit of tribute for their good sides before leaving.


아버지.. 어머니..