Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Victoria Pearson on 9th mo. 19, 2011 at 9:13am

I am sorry to hear about this struggle, and know that sexuality is something many communities struggle to come to discuss. I think often issues of homosexuality or LGBTQ identities become the focal point for ALL of sexuality, and this can make it even harder for communities to discuss the welcoming of diverse sexual and gender identities. What is also hard is knowing where to go for support in opening these conversations. Are there any weighty Friends/elders in the meeting who support welcoming LGBTQ folks? Is there a space for sustained dialogue over time about issues of concern? Because sexuality is so personal and so much about who we are as people, it's important to have support for all involved in taking action in community. I know that for myself taking risks into these conversations is often harder than I can handle on my own.

I think there are many precedents for welcoming in Friends' history and practice. I also think that time is a good tool for sitting with difficult issues. I would welcome conversation with you as a supportive seeker and someone who has worked with religious communities on conflict and growth.

Permalink Reply by Brad Ogilvie on 9th mo. 19, 2011 at 9:24am

I have found that relationships, patience and perseverance are essential to moving forward together.  As a gay man, I was advised early on that I needed to give others time to adjust.  For many of us, we had years to adjust to accepting ourselves, and it can be unrealistic to expect others to adjust any quicker.  Now, I am not saying this is how it should be, but just being realistic.  I also think that, for those of us who are glbt, we should not just look to others to change, but to look within ourselves how we might be more present but less demanding. 

 

I have also found that what helps facilitate these conversations, when they do emerge, is to listen for the role that love often plays - buried deep beneath the fear and hurt.  Like Tevi in Fiddler on the Roof, when one seems forced to choose between tradition and change, it is extremely difficult.  Rather than increasing the pressure to decide, sometimes when we just sit lovingly, that can make a difference.  This is a tall order, especially when we are feeling defensive and hurt ourselves, but when we can stay in that loving place, I have seen some amazing things happen. 

 

Finally, there are some good resources.  "In Praise of Doubt: How to Hold Convictions without being a Fanatic" is a great read for ways to stay open and seeking rather than arguing.  "No More Goodbyes" is by Carolyn Pearson, a Mormon woman who lost her husband to AIDS (and wrote about that in "Goodbye.  I Love You".)  "No More Goodbyes" is mostly a collection of stories about the pain that rejection and condemnation causes.  There is a brief period of preachiness, but for the most part, the real human tales of love, pain and loss can move us to the level of talking about how we want to be as members of community.  I find it useful to remember that none of us speaks for God, nor are the final authority of whether being gay is a sin or not.  We may have strongly held beliefs, but God is the real final authority.  What we can say with great authority are two things: being gay is not a choice (acknowledging that we may not really know why we are different, but we do know we did not choose this), and that the condemnation causes great pain, for some so much that they cannot live with it.  Love seems to be the greatest salve. 

Permalink Reply by funnel101 on 9th mo. 19, 2011 at 12:46pm

If these older members have any younger f/Friends, perhaps the younger f/Friends can invite them over for dinner or lunch and slowly approach the topic through multiple visits?